Sympathy
by Accidental Charm
Summary: NeilTodd. Post-suicide. Todd stumbles upon a letter from Neil that explains his questionings...and addresses that he still loves him. Songfic to the Goo Goo Dolls' 'Sympathy.'


Sympathy  
  
Based On: 'The Dead Poet's Society' and the Goo Goo Doll's great song 'Sympathy'  
  
Characters: Todd; Neil (well -somewhat-) Genre: Drama; angst; songfic; alternate universe  
  
Setting: Todd's dormitory at Hellton.  
  
Summary: Todd finds a letter written to him from Neil, apologizing for his bad decision, why he did such a thing. and that he still loves Todd like his brother. Very slight Neil/Todd implied. Feedback: As I said before.I love it! Good or bad, it's fine. Just don't say it sucks unless you have a wise reason! Carpe dium! *wink, wink*  
  
Disclaimer: 'The Dead Poet's Society' nor the Goo Goo Doll's copyrighted material is mine. But sometimes, I wish it was! It's great stuff we have here!  
  
Todd strode about the snow-dusted campus, glittering silvery in the sheen of the full moon. Alone. He sniffled, the back of his eyes stinging, as if to warn him of the tears that threatened to fall again. He pulled his jacket closer about him and continued walking until he came to a bench in a frosty field right outside the numerous dormitories. He sat down and gazed up at the clear night sky, painted with the stars and illuminated by the moon. He began to reflect back on the last year.all he had been taught. And not only about academics, but about life, love, and lessons.  
  
"Carpe dium," Mr. Keating had whispered. "Seize the day!" And those few words, though appearing implausible at first, had changed their lives forever.  
  
And there was not only Mr. Keating.there was Neil. Neil Perry, the young man as Todd who had enforced the lesson of love into both of their lives. Todd smiled melancholically.Neil was the only one who had truly loved him, despite his faults.but why did he have to leave him? Why did he have to let down everyone?  
  
Yet another flashback appeared in Todd's mind. When the words had first hit him, as sharp as a knife, as cold as steel.'Neil's dead.' Yes. He had been devastated beyond what any man could bear.  
  
"WHY!?" He had screamed ever so mournfully to the overcast sky the morning afterwards. And that word, now and then, still reverberated in his mind. 'why?' Though his heart had been in the process of healing since then, it still remained partially ill. Why had Neil made such a choice?  
  
Not wanting to think about it any longer, unless he wished to drive himself to insanity, Todd got up, wiped the tears from his eyes, and headed back towards the dormitory.  
  
  
  
Todd flopped onto the soft mattress of his bed with a groan. The thoughts had not left him to be. What would come of him now? Would he make the same choice? Todd's bleary eyes wandered over to the neatly made, empty bed beside his.and fell upon something more. A stray, white envelope rested silently upon the pillow. Todd sat up and swung his legs out of bed, his feet touching the cold floor, his heartbeat coming to his ears, the rhythm of silence. Did he dare?  
  
He sat on his comrade's bedside and warily picked up the envelope. Written on it in fine calligraphy was none other than his own name: Todd. He opened the envelope with a bizarre kind of anticipation and found a long letter. It read:  
  
Dear Todd:  
  
However many ways there are to say 'I'm sorry,' I speak them to you now. I know I must have caused you so much heartache and pain and a mere 'I'm sorry' really doesn't seem good enough to express regret for what's happened. Yet I still feel so guilty.the thoughts of my very own death had put you in the back of my mind, Todd.  
  
Stranger than your sympathy  
  
And this is my apology  
  
For killing myself from the inside out  
  
And all my fears had pushed you out.  
  
I wish for things that I don't need  
  
All I wanted  
  
And what I chase won't set me free  
  
All I wanted.  
  
You see.well, it's difficult to explain actually. But my father. he doesn't support his own son's personal dream in any way, shape, or form! He thinks he has total control over my life.he doesn't even know the real me! But I thought that this was the only way to escape it.so I just made up my mind and did it.  
  
Stranger than your sympathy  
  
I take these things so I don't feel  
  
I'm killing myself from the inside out  
  
Now my head's been filled with doubt.  
  
It's hard to lead the life you choose  
  
All I wanted  
  
When all your luck's run out on you  
  
All I wanted.  
  
I'm sorry, Todd. It's too late to stop me now. I've come too far and now.I'll most likely be discerning that everything is even worse. And it's my entire fault.  
  
It's easy to forget, yeah  
  
You choke on the regrets, yeah  
  
Who the hell did I think I was?  
  
Now, no matter how much I lament what I have done to myself, there's no way to acquire my actions back. I didn't want to lead the life my father chose for me; I wanted independence. So I took advantage of my freedom and.used it for these kinds of things.  
  
Stranger than your sympathy  
  
All these thoughts you stole from me  
  
I'm not sure where I belong  
  
No where's home and I'm all wrong  
  
Now, I'm dead. I will be dead by the time you read this. I can't chase after my dreams any longer; they are basically as dead as me, buried six feet under, never to be stirred by life again. All I wanted.my future is totally lost and swallowed up in the oblivion of death.  
  
And I wasn't all the things  
  
I tried to make believe I was  
  
And I wouldn't be the one to kneel  
  
Before the dreams I wanted  
  
And all the talk and all the lies  
  
Were all the empty things disguised as me.  
  
Oh yeah, everything's all wrong Everything's all wrong, yeah Who the hell did I think I was?.  
  
Your sympathy and the sympathy of all the others won't change anything.  
  
Yeah, stranger than your sympathy.  
  
But I want you to know, Todd, that no matter what our parents say, no matter what our elders say, no matter what situations we're in right now; no matter if we ever see one another again.I will always love you.  
  
Listen to me, Todd. As hard as it seems, go on without me. Get married; have a family of your own and grow old with those you love.  
  
Chase after your dreams and don't make the mistake I've made.  
  
Stranger than your sympathy.  
  
Yours Into Eternity,  
  
Neil Perry  
  
By the closing of the letter, tears were streaming down Todd's cheeks in tiny, silver rivers, the tributary of his tears flooding. His long pondered question of 'why' had been answered by all of this. And for a long while, even a small eternity, his tears flowed openly until they had seemingly run dry. Then, Todd, without taking one more glance at the letter, enclosed it neatly in its envelope once again, walked over to his bed and lay down.  
  
"I love you, Neil," he whispered.  
  
Then Todd closed his eyes, one last silver tear slipping out, feeling content that he knew now. He knew it all. 


End file.
